I was sad to read your advice about being “discreet” — that is, trying to be closeted. I understand in many cases that may be a realistic approach if you have specific concerns about losing a job or sacrificing career advancement. But it’s important to realize that the closet — including the poly closet — is a very stressful and vulnerable place to live.

Poly people who are closeted at work or elsewhere have to pretend that all or some of their lovers and partners either don’t exist, or “demote” them to “just friend” status in conversations and social settings. That means: You have to treat the people you claim to love, and may be quite committed to, like you’re ashamed of them. This is poisonous to any relationship.

Meanwhile, people who are in socially-conforming ostensibly monogamous relationships are free to mention their partner, have their photos on their desk, bring them to work-related social occasions, and even be celebrated by coworkers on occasions such as engagements or wedding anniversaries.

Which is just salt in the wounds of closeted people in polyamorous or otherwise honest, ethical nonmonogamous relationships.

Even worse is knowing that many of those ostensibly monogamous coworkers are in fact nonmonogamous, and dishonest about it (cheating) — but that rarely affects their employment status or career opportunities. In other words, dishonesty to the people who trust you the most is tolerated (or at least usually not punished) in the workplace — but honest, ethical behavior in nontraditional relationships is punishable.

And then there’s the issue that whenever more people in a marginalized community/identity are “out” — that is, they do not conceal who they are — that tends to shift social norms to the point that those groups face less risk of discrimination or ostracizing. In other words, when more people are out, everyone in that marginalized group becomes a little safer in society and at work. But so many people choose the closet because they don’t feel safe — even though that hurts them, the people they love, and their community.

Worst of all, when you’re attempting to be closeted, you can still be outed against your will. That’s the failure point in your advice to be discreet. One of the best ways to protect yourself against being outed is to out yourself and take control of the situation. But your advice puts poly people in a vulnerable position and leaves them there.

Isn’t there a better solution?

There is something of which everyone should be acutely aware regarding ANY so-called “alternative lifestyle,” be it polyamory, homosexuality, bestiality or WHATEVER. Here it is:

Your personal conduct ANYWHERE ultimately spills onto your social image, regardless of how “private” you think your affairs are. (One incident may or may not make much of a difference, but a lifestyle choice will.) Your social image WILL affect whom you are able to network with. And in a time and economy in which the average lifespan of a corporation is something like 15 years, people change companies every few years and layoffs are rampant, networking is an absolute must in all but the most specialized professions in the work force.

One can whine about “sexism,” “homophobia” or general “bigotry” until the cows come home, but tough luck. The fact is that there are still – and are likely to remain for a long time – powerful industries in which the power players are nearly all married men who look down on singles or on adulterous spouses. You might chalk that up to chauvinism, but from their point of view, such people would not fit into the company culture. If their first contact with you is in a job interview, that is one thing, sure, but if you are never called in for an interview it will be almost impossible to prove the reason for which your CV was tossed out.

The point is this: when you are not the one holding the cards, you need to understand the people who are. You may do what you like on your own time – it is your life, after all – but EVEN IF your proclivities and behavior fall under some sort of protected category, you should never assume that your personal and professional images and lives can be so cleanly divided as not to affect one another.

Good point.

Yeah, it’s not a career enhancing activity. Plus, she sounds like she was incapable of keeping her private life out of the office.

My mom is awesome.

Yeah, I don’t think any non-religious companies want to touch that with a 10 foot pole.