“There is no ‘P’ in hamster.” This is not a controversial statement. Any dictionary will agree with it. Any pet store will too. But Carol Blymire overheard a conversation between a young employee with her boss, and this came up.

The post This Helicopter Mom Raised a Daughter Incapable of Normal Business Behavior. A Warning appeared first on Improve Your HR.

Here are 39 real examples of things employees have said to HR managers or HR managers have had to say to employees. How many will you experience while Mercury is in retrograde this time around? Maybe we should make a bingo card.

1. Got told to “have a nice life, b!tch.”
2. Someone loudly yelling “I’m a very chill person” at you when you talk to them about telling a co-worker to “f*ck off.”
3. After the birth of my son, “maybe now that you’re a mom, you will have a heart.”
4. “Is that even legal?” Or “Isn’t that illegal?” When employees hear/are being told to do something they don’t like, but there’s no actual law.
5. I have been called the devil, among other choice words.
6. Being asked, “What do I do with this chair? Someone peed on it,” and being told, “I think someone pooped in this chair.” And no, I’m not HR for a day care.
7. Just because you were told to do your job doesn’t mean you are a victim of harassment.
8. “When you list your employer on your Facebook, then yes, your social media actually is our business, sir.”
9. Being called a “racist white b*tch” when explaining to an employee why she was let go for violating policy.
10. I told an outside recruiting firm who was cold calling that we don’t use outside recruiting firms, and he said, “Ok then, why don’t you just suck my wiener” and then hung up.
11. “It is actually our business who you are having ‘relations’ with, especially when it’s your co-worker, on company property, and on the clock. STOP HAVING SEX AT WORK!”
12. I had a terminated employee tell me he hoped I got Covid-19.
13. “You cannot use your company credit card for bail.”
14. I had an employee come up for a random drug test. Our safety manager went on-site to pick him up to drive him to the clinic. “OO, cool, let me just grab my synthetic urine out of my truck. I can warm it up on the way. You’re OK with that, right?” Um, no. Just no.
15. A caller kept demanding that I give him a job. He said, “If I was sick, I’d go to the doctor. I need a job, so I’m calling you.”
16. In response to a rejection email: “Whatever, c*nt.”
17. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.” Every. Time.
18. Context: Terminating someone for violating their quarantine and coming into work because they “feel better.” HR: “It is your own responsibility to follow the company’s pandemic protocols.” Now Former EE: “That is b&ll sh!t–the company can…” (Person was cut off and the conversation politely ended.)
19. Getting called the Policy Nazi for enforcing policies.
20. Got something thrown at you during a termination meeting.
21. I wish someone told me while I was in college for HR that talking to people about their hygiene would be something I dealt with a lot. Literally, in every HR job I’ve had, there’s at least one smelly one. Call me naive, but I did not think adults didn’t know about personal hygiene.
22. “Ummm, someone pooped on the bathroom floor, and facilities said to call you.”
23. One of my “favorites” was being screamed at by a daughter whose mother didn’t enroll in medical benefits during open enrollment. Mom didn’t come to info sessions. Guess who interceded with benefits? No apology or thanks from either person.
24. For a while, I kept track of how many different languages I’ve been cursed at in!
25. Day 3 of a new job: Did you know that X employee is blackmailing his manager because of the racy photos he has on his phone of her? Oh, and the manager paid the blackmail!”
26. Open filing cabinet at employee desk only to find an open and chilled can of Four Loco.
27. Observe an employee crush up her pain meds and snort off the top of a garbage can. The best part, it was a mirrored atrium, so everyone saw her do it, but when in the atrium, you can’t see inside the building. When questioned about it, she said, “I didn’t think anyone could see me!”
28. “I don’t do drugs. My girlfriend must have put something in my food.”
29. I had an employee in a call center who answered my question, “How many personal calls do you think is reasonable during your work day?” with “Hmmm, I don’t know, 40?” I shockingly said, “Forty! That is 200 a week!!!” And her response was, “Is that a lot?!?!?”
30. An employee goes to the HR manager and says she needs to “file a claim for crabs.” I asked the HR manager to elaborate. EE’s boyfriend said she must have gotten crabs from the office bathroom and not from him. Again, how is this an HR problem? “Crabs are not compensable under workers compensation, but I’m sure a trip to your doctor would be covered by your medical.” Give me patience, Lord.
31. At a restaurant, I had to fire a cook for watching porn on the line during service.
32. “I admit I’m not performing my job well, but clearly the reason my manager is addressing my performance is obviously because I am [in this protected class.]”
33. “I failed my drug test because I had a poppy seed bagel for breakfast this morning.”
34. I was once an HR manager for a company that operated multiple warehouses. I had an employee, whom we never caught, who would climb to the very top racks to poop. There was no restroom up there. He/she would just drop their pants and poop in the racks. Where merchandise could be stored, they even had their own toilet paper up there, so it was not a one-time occurrence. My facilities guy was, oh, so happy to have to clean that up. And we in HR and facilities referred to them as the unknown poopatrator.
35. “Executive candidate accidentally attaches nude instead of corporate headshot.” He withdrew from consideration for the position.
36. How about when the (former) employee’s parent shows up at your office to ask why their adult child was terminated?
37. I can’t come to work because I was bitten by a sick lizard.
38. A call center employee hung up on 100 cable customers in less than an hour. She was terminated for cause and tried to get unemployment. She said she did the whole thing because she was about to have a baby, and she wanted to go out on unemployment. That plan didn’t work out so well.
39. After firing an incompetent employee, I was told, “Now that I am not an employee, maybe we can get together sometime?”

Hopefully, this period of mercurial retrograde isn’t as bad as previous ones. But, maybe warn your employees against eating poppyseed bagels so they don’t fail those drug tests–just in case.

This originally appeared at Inc.

The post 39 Crazy and Scary Things Employees Have Said to HR Managers appeared first on Improve Your HR.

On February 14 we celebrate love in the name of St. Valentine, who was beaten, stoned, and decapitated because of his support of marriage. So, basically, it’s always been a bummer of a holiday, which brings us to divorce.

The post Happy Valentine’s Day: These Jobs Increase Your Chances of Divorce appeared first on Improve Your HR.

Workin’ 9 to 5
What a way to make livin’
Barely gettin’ by
It’s all takin’ and no givin’

The post Dolly Parton’s 9-to-5 Song Taught Us Everything We Need to Know About How to Have a Fair Workplace appeared first on Improve Your HR.

To be clear, you can fire someone who solicits prostitutes while on the clock. That certainly falls under gross misconduct, and you’re free to terminate this person.

The post Why a Court Ruled for a Man Who Solicited Prostitutes at Work appeared first on Improve Your HR.

What does Employee Appreciation Day have to do with Improv-ing Your HR? Well, everything! Because improv is all about service! Service is about making employees’ lives easier.

And if you want to make your life easier, join Neelie Verlinden and HRLearns for a training session on reducing burnout. Register here: When there is no HR for HR: How to Prevent Burnout and Improve Your Well-Being Starting Today

There are many acts of service you can do with employees and here are 10 things you can do to make their lives easier.

1. Dump a stupid rule.

You have a stupid rule. I almost guarantee it. What kind of stupid rule? How about a doctor’s note for every absence? How about making your exempt employees (who aren’t billing time to clients) track every minute? How about docking PTO time from exempt employees for every hour they aren’t in the office, but not giving them additional PTO when they work more than 40 hours in a week? These are all dumb rules. Dump them.

2. Fire the horrible employee.

You probably have one. For whatever reason, you haven’t dealt with this person. Maybe she’s a slacker, maybe he’s a gossip, maybe she’s a bully, maybe he’s simply incapable of the work. Whatever the problem is, getting rid of your problem employee makes your other employees feel appreciated.

3. Acknowledge your employees’ extra efforts.

For whatever reason, we decided that a 40-hour work week was standard. Lots and lots of exempt employees work a lot more than that on a regular basis. It’s expected in many industries. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say thank you. Non-exempt people get overtime for their extra efforts. Thank your exempt employees for going the extra mile.

4. Listen to an idea.

Sure, you’re the boss, but you hired people because you needed their ideas. So, listen to them. Encourage them. Consider implementing them. Your employees feel appreciated when you consider their ideas and hard work.

5. Don’t play favorites.

Personalities exist, and you like some personalities better than others. Don’t let your like or dislike of the person determine the work and rewards you assign. Instead, look at the performance and productivity. Reward success, not similar personalities. And remember, while it’s legal to prefer people based on their personalities, it’s not legal to shower goodies on people because of race, gender, or other protected classes.

6. Give people some breathing room.

Don’t hover over someone who hasn’t messed up before. Sure, guide that new employee, but stand back and let people do their best. Unless you’re a complete idiot who consistently hires poorly, your employees are capable of doing the job you hired them to do. (Everyone makes hiring mistakes-even experts, but if you are consistently making hiring mistakes, that’s a problem.) Let your employees do their job and let them know you’re available if they need help. That’s it.

7. Take responsibility for your own mistakes.

I will never forget when I repeatedly warned and cautioned the head of compensation that his plan for pay raises would fail. He insisted he was right. When it collapsed on his head, he blamed me as the person who was responsible for carrying out the plan. While he wasn’t my boss (thankfully), I never, ever trusted him again. If he had been my boss, that would have been the moment I started looking for a new job. He screwed up. I didn’t. Don’t be like him. Say, “Yes, Suzanne warned me, and I overrode her. This is my fault.”

8. Have their backs.

Look, your employees will make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. Got it. But, if the mistake is an honest one, support your employee. Give her the tools to fix it; don’t let it be career ending. You want employees who are risk takers. If you punish any failed risks, you’ll soon be out of people who are willing to try. Let your employees know that you’ll reward their efforts and support them, even if things go poorly.

9. Give deserved raises and bonuses.

I know I said these were ideas that wouldn’t cost you a penny, and here I am talking about money. Do you know how much a 3 percent raise on an employee earning $50,000 a year is? Quick, do the math: $1500. Do you know how much it costs to replace an employee earning $50,000 a year? Estimates vary wildly but are more than $1500. It costs you less to reward a good employee than it costs you to replace them. In your head, count on the cost to the business for replacement at 25-50 percent of salary for regular employees and 100-200 percent of salary for executives. Reward wisely.

10. Be honest.

There are some things you can’t tell your employees. They know and understand this, but these things are few and far between. Most of the stuff that management keeps secret are simply because it’s easier not to have to explain yourself to your employees. This makes employees feel as if they can’t trust you and that you don’t trust them. How can you have a positive work environment where you don’t trust each other? Just be honest about what’s going on. If you truly can’t say- like you’re in the middle of contract negotiations- say so. “Right now, we’re in the middle of negotiations, and we’ll let you know when things are resolved.”

(These 10 tips originally apeared at Inc.)

The post Improv Your Employee Appreciation Day appeared first on Improve Your HR.

On February 14 we celebrate love in the name of St. Valentine, who was beaten, stoned, and decapitated because of his support of marriage. So, basically, it’s always been a bummer of a holiday, which brings us to divorce.

The post Happy Valentine’s Day: These Jobs Increase Your Chances of Divorce appeared first on Improve Your HR.

Everyone hates their annual performance review but we dutifully do them. (For some good reasons, but I digress.) I few weeks ago, I published 18 True Tales of Ridiculous Performance Appraisals, and what I got was even more tales of ridiculous performance appraisals. Enjoy, but managers, don’t use these a template.

The post 19 (More) Tales of Performance Review Horror appeared first on Improve Your HR.

Presents only go one way in the office. Down. Managers can buy presents for their direct reports, and CEOs are free to hand out bonuses at any time. But employees don’t get presents for their bosses (except in very few cases which I will explain below).

The post Boss’s Day Was Yesterday, and Thankfully I Forgot About It appeared first on Improve Your HR.

The best people for certain jobs may not have perfect résumés. Oh, sure, they’ll have the skills you need, but you might spot a “their” that should be “there” or vice versa. Many hiring managers reject such people on the spot. Research suggests that this may be a bad idea.

This Throw Back Thursday post originally appeared at Inc.

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