An Open Letter to New Employees

Dear New Employee,

Welcome! We’re excited to have you on board. This is an open letter to new employees because we want to make sure your first few days are as pleasant as possible. Then we’ll start throwing work on you. But for now, welcome! Coffee is in the break room, and if you made it yourself, it’s fresh.

Here’s what you need to know to make your first few days as wonderful as possible:

Please Wander Around

Sure, we went over your benefits package with a fine-tooth comb in orientation, but we didn’t tell you where the bathrooms are. While we know it’s unlikely you’ll catch pneumonia in your first week of work, we want to make sure that’s covered. The bathrooms? Well, if you’re not shy you can just ask someone. If you are shy, run around looking frantic until someone figures out your problem and directs you.

To keep reading, click here: An Open Letter to New Employees

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18 thoughts on “An Open Letter to New Employees

  1. How embarrassing to you as a writer. It continues to baffle me that you get paid for this.

    1. It continues to baffle me that you read my blog. You hate me. You hate my writing. It makes no sense that you stay around.

      And yes, I get paid for this. Yes, it was exactly what the client asked for–a humorous letter from an HR manager to new employees about the onboarding process.

        1. Oh, let’s not do that. Parker is almost as amusing as the post.

          Plus, it’s good for him to have *some* human interaction, and it’s hard to imagine get gets much outside of trolling comments sections on blogs.

      1. Actually Parker, if you don’t mind, I’d like to let Evil HR Lady know that this couldn’t have been posted at a better time. I just accepted a position yesterday within the organization that I’ve held the same job at for 15 years. Knowing I’m getting ready to step into another office environment that has just as many quirky people and situations as the one I’m stepping out of, I appreciate this humorous – and spot-on – assessment. ♥

  2. Wait, what?

    I know the government, the Russians, Amazon, and probably my neighbors across the street are hacking into my digital world and reading my emails, but you, Evil HR Lady, even you? And from so long ago too — just how many decades worth of my emails and records do you have? Oh well, that was a long time ago, and my employers have gotten much, much better since then … but thanks for the memories.

  3. Fun! This was a riot to read. Satire is hard to nail. Often I find most people hit the nail on the head way to hard and it becomes a slog or eye rolley. You nailed the tone.

  4. Okay, so most of the problems highlighted in that spot on piece of satire are easy enough to recognize a potential solution (even if it is to skip the 2nd floor so there isn’t a second floor fridge to steal from). But on the matter of biweekly pay, how would you suggest new employees be compensated to avoid a gap in their first few days? Signing bonus on day 3 of employment? Genuinely curious, as this definitely has been an issue for some of our people.

    1. I have worked for places that allowed new employees to fill in paperwork ahead of the hire to assure non (or minimal) gap in pay.

    2. The problem is not “a few days” but a month. There is just no excuse for it, if you’re doing on-boarding right. Unless someone is coming on board at the end of a payroll period, they should be getting their first check on the first payroll.

  5. Great satirical article. Anyone who takes this information literally (here that PC people) has no idea what satire means. If this is based on real people quirks, they need to take a good look in the mirror and lighten up their attitude towards new people as they were (however many years ago) new once too.

  6. Nice of the rest of you to point out that it was satire. It wasn’t obvious — Poe’s Law applies.

  7. I think that Parker is hungry for a little heckler therapy (TM, Jerry Seinfeld.)

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