Every Single Person Finds Me Difficult to Work With

A few months ago, I had the misfortune of losing my boss and the girl who worked with me. We are a three person department and we were an amazing team. 

Eventually, I got a new Boss and a new partner, but the partner they gave me has a hard time retaining the knowledge. She gets frazzled and she loses her notes, she makes constant mistakes that she shouldn’t be making two months in. I’m struggling correcting all her mistakes (mistakes she keeps making over despite my help and it leads me to make mistakes of my own that I have never done before). I don’t think she would be a good fit. 

I went to the HR Dept. What I got back was a “you are an angry young woman.” “You need help.” The HR lady knows a little that I was raised in an abusive home and I do have a bit of a moody aura. I’m not really known for my patience. But my performance in my job has always been excellent and beyond.

What she was saying in the context is that it’s my fault basically that the girl isn’t able to do her job because of the way I hold myself. My aura. she told me that everyone, every single person in the company, finds me “difficult” to work with. I disagree. I have other people in other departments who remarked that they want my help because I’m known to be a great worker. Any conflict with people was never intentional and I’ve always managed to do what was needed to get the job done. For my belief, I think it takes two to make a conflict and yet I’m vilified

I just want the department to run smoothly and I don’t think the girl is a good fit. You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole, after all. But she is not willing to transfer me to another dept. It’s getting too tense in the department between three people and a HR person who thinks I need get professional help.

Should I leave my job?

I’m rarely opposed to people moving on, if they’ve been at a job for a reasonable amount of time–which I assume you have been. But, that won’t solve the underlying problem–if there is one. You agee that you have a “bit of a moody aura.” Being moody doesn’t mean you aren’t a fantastic performer, but it can put people off. It’s likely that the HR manager is exaggerating when she says that everyone finds you “difficult to work with” and that need help, but what if she’s not?

This is something you absolutely, positively, have to look at. You know you’re moody. You’ve had conflicts in the past that were not “intentional” but yet, they still happened. So, my advice is, of course, to freshen up your resume and start looking, but at the same time do the following.

1. Contact your former boss and team member. Say you’re afraid you’re rubbing people the wrong way and were wondering if they could give you some feedback. When you start out with, “I’m afraid I’m causing a problem,” it opens up the door for them to speak honestly. Listen, listen, listen to whatever these people say. It’s far more likely that they’d say you’re perfect when you’re not than it is for them to say you have issues when you don’t. If either one of them gives any hint that you have an anger or mood issue, believe them.

2. Get a therapist if you don’t have one already. Therapy isn’t an embarrassing thing–it’s a necessary thing for many of us. My very first therapist (<– TMI) said that 90 percent of people whose friends and family tell them they need help, ignore this advice. Your HR manager is telling you that you need help. She’s saying it because she believes it. Your company’s EAP can probably refer you to someone if you need a referral. Your primary care physician can also be helpful. The worst thing that will happen is that the therapist and doctor will both say, “Nope. You’re fine” and you will have lost a bit of time and a bit of money. But, if they say, “yes, you have a problem,” you can begin to fix it.

3. Talk with your new partner. She’s frazzled and you’re moody. It’s not a good match, no doubt. However, you can only control yourself, so you can’t fix her, only you. Try, “Kate, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. Let’s start over. Let me know what I can do to make your adjustment to this new job easier.” Then, once again, shut up and listen.

Being frazzled in a new job is not unusual and if she’s a sensitive type, just the fact that you’re moody can make things worse. Now, she should be willing to meet you halfway, but you need to be willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, because you have to work together.

There’s no shame in moving on. Sometimes bosses and coworkers change a job that used to be a great fit is no longer a great fit. That’s normal. But if you’re hearing the reason you’re having trouble is your attitude, start there first.

 

Related Posts

27 thoughts on “Every Single Person Finds Me Difficult to Work With

  1. This misses the mark completely. Sure, she should look to her 2 former co-workers for the feedback. Yes, maybe she should talk to her new partner and try to find some common ground.

    But HR blew it when they blamed the writer of being hard to get along with. Instead of taking the issue at face value and investigating it they are placing the blame on the reporter.

    Having just taken my company’s harassment training (again – it is annual), the person making a good faith effort to report an issue should not be belittled or retaliated against.

    Because of HR’s response I would suggest the OP is document (aka diary/journal) the issues. Be specific and accurate. Leave emotional terms and phrases out. Just the fact and only the facts (stealing a line from the old Dragnet TV show).

    This is not to get the other person in trouble but to document there is an issue that needs to be addressed. A person who is so disorganized to continuously lose notes and information may not be a good fit for the position they are in. Someone being “moody” is not going to impact that part of a person, at least IMHO.

    Hopefully this will help get the new person on track to be successful.

    1. Since she’s worked there for a while, it’s likely that the HR person already knew her.

      There’s no illegal retaliation, though. Retaliation is only illegal if the reason is illegal. So, if she had complained about being harassed because of her race and the response was, “you annoy everyone, and we’re going to punish you,” that would be illegal. But telling someone, “People don’t like working with you,” isn’t illegal.

      Documenting your coworker’s failings aren’t likely to make you look better. Documenting your direct report’s failings is good. Your coworker? Not so much. Documenting what you do to CYA, is fine.

      1. Documenting behavior is key to making a solid observation to 3rd parties. Without documentation it is no more than one parties words against another.

        Of course the documentation needs to be accurate and true and without emotional context.

      2. yes but i totally concur that hr completely blew off her request due to some bias from a past incident. you didnt really address that part ocnit at all even though i agree one needs to look at themself too sometimes

    2. As I read it, the letter writer was not complaining that the new partner was “harassing” her. The letter writer is complaining about the new partner’s JOB PERFORMANCE. Those are two very different things. If the letter writer does, in fact, have a history of being difficult to work with, that is something she should seriously consider. On the other hand, I agree it was premature of HR to completely dismiss her complaint about the job performance unless HR has gotten loads of GREAT feedback about the new person and loads of complaints about the letter writer. Just because someone is difficult to work with doesn’t mean every complaint they have is without merit.

  2. it’s also worth checking the letter-writer’s other employment experiences. if the letter writer has been doing fine at other places, then it might be that particular office. At times a toxic workplace can manifest itself in the form of piling on one employee. If this is case, though, therapy can help as well to provide a gut check of whether this is normal and strategies for dealing with it.

    1. Absolutely! There are plenty of reasons to consider that she’s not the one with the issues here, but if you don’t look introspectively, you never find out.

      If you do have problems, it’s best to fix them ASAP.

  3. Therapy can be helpful either way. If you are the problem, you can work on your weaknesses. If you are not the problem, your therapist can be an objective voice to figure out what is happening.

    I suspect there is a combination of things going on here. Your coworker may have gotten ahead of you and complained first about how awful you are. (You are not necessarily awful but some people feel that way when they can’t do the job.) You have definitely shared too much information with the wrong person. This HR woman has taken it all in a strange direction. And yes you probably need to find a new way to train your new coworker.

    In my opinion, this was handled badly. It was ok to counsel you. It is not ok to talk about auras. It is not ok to say every single person finds you difficult. How does she know that? Her advice was not work related. I’m concerned she didn’t consider even a little that your partner needs help.

    She should have shown you EAP materials and told you that many find the resource helpful. She should have talked about work. “When you refuse to smile and you say that you can’t believe she wants you to do more thing, it makes it difficult for people to come to you for those tasks.” “Jane doesn’t know what to do. You just keep telling her she’s wrong and her work is bad but you don’t help her.” Those kind of things.

    My advice: Start therapy. Don’t confide in this HR person again. Find a way to train your partner again from the beginning. Good luck!

  4. I feel that we’re missing some background here: how does the HR person know that OP was raised in an abusive home? Is it because there were previous incidents involving OP that were reported to HR and OP shared that information at the time?

    OP, I think the advice is spot-on. If one person describes you as “an angry young woman” it may not mean much, but if you get the same feedback from several people there is something going on. What about people in your private life, has anyone described you as angry? In any case, therapy will benefit anyone raised in an abusive environment.

    Is it possible that you overreacted when the new employee first started making mistakes? Depending on her personality type, that could have lead her to be very nervous around you and make even more mistakes.

    I don’t think you should look for another job just yet. Give therapy a go to look at your lack of patience and possible anger issues (assuming you really have anger issues, and it’s not just the perception of the HR person). One more thing: it is possible to excel in your job duties and still have problems with relationship with colleagues. So I wouldn’t take the fact that people in other departments have requested your help as an indicator that there is no problem. Good luck OP.

  5. I’m suspicious of comments that contain expressions like “everybody says so,” “everyone thinks,” “nobody wants,” “nothing has been done,” “we never know,” etc. These are sweeping generalizations/projections that the speaker often hopes are true, but has no real evidence in support of that belief. I would ask the HR rep for specific examples. If she can’t offer any, I would ask HER if those are her feelings. It sounds like she wasn’t being very helpful to this employee. By telling him that “everybody” finds him difficult to work with, she included herself in that group. The inference is, “I don’t like working with you, either.” How can he trust her to give him any help? Knowing how she feels, he should probably look for another job — the sooner the better.

    1. It is also possible that HRPerson has indeed heard complaints about this before, and is not at liberty to name names. If (IF) LW really is inclined to be moody or hard to work with, their coworkers may be trying very hard to “go along to get along” and avoid conflict. Rather than getting hostile with HRPerson, I’d say the suggestion to ask the former colleagues for honest feedback is a good one.

    2. In a performance review, my boss told me that “you use big words that make people feel stupid.”

      I asked which people and which words and he could not tell me.

      A co-worker said, “He meant you use words he does not understand. Nobody has said anything to him. It’s about him.”

      1. Strange, i was told the exact same thing at my appraisal. Now i know why, thanks!

  6. My good friend could have written this. She too is not known for her patience. She expects people to ” just get it” as she is explaining it ( admitting she hates training people) and doesn’t get how people can’t get the job done right.

    She would often exclaim to me…..” WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE SO STUPID !! ”

    I have told my friend several times as tactful or as bluntly as I need to be ( I can pretty much tell her anything I want) that just because she ” gets it” that doesn’t mean everyone else is going to the same way or in the same timeframe.
    She is way above average in this line of work (medical billing in the case) while most people may be average to above and she just needs to deal with it. (She is the Nadia of billing)

    I am sure the people my buddy works with get frustrated when she trains or talks to them because she tends to be gruff and lacking of patience. So you just get a round and round problem. She gets pissed when Clara Jo doesn’t get it. Clara Jo see’s this, gets nervous and then, screws up. Doesn’t want to ask questions for fear of being yelled at (or whatever)

    She knows all this about her (thus the reason we sometimes talk about so she can vent and I can tell her to chill out…. ).

    OP, please just chill out with other people. Either opt out of training if you can or work to understand others and how they learn and what their frustration levels as well. If you have to train, get on-line, ask HR or something and learn how to train people. It is not just “ do this and then do that” and so on.

    People learn all different ways. Some probably most are visual learners. Most of us need the “why” and the understanding of the flow of the work and how, what we do or don’t do effects the next step.

  7. Yes, I think it’s unfair for HR to be so unspecific by saying ‘everyone finds the OP difficult to deal with’. I agree that examples could have been given, and the OP has every right to ask for some. She could approach HR by saying “I’m trying to improve myself at work, can you help me out by pointing out where I’ve been wrong in the past?”

    I know it is very, very difficult when an entire department’s work reflects on everyone in that department. You sound proud of your work and that you do not want it brought down by the poor work of your partner. But could you start communication with your new boss and your new coworker? You can offer/agree to spend X amount of time retraining your partner (and after that time is over, then you and your boss can be ‘confident’ that she is good to go on her own). You can work together to organize upcoming jobs and workloads. You can plan who will work on what parts of the projects. Then, as hard as it possibly may be, you do your parts of the project with as much gusto and expertise as you possibly can, and you do NOT make corrections for her (I know this part may be frowned upon a bit). If the woman truly isn’t a good fit for the position, then at some point she will have to sink or swim on her own.

    She very well may have gone to HR first and complained about you and said that she cannot do an adequate job with you always giving her grief. But THEN when she turns in projects they always seem adequate enough because they contain your corrections and her mistakes are not getting noticed at all. (sorry – this is how I read into it). So, you may have to let her make mistakes. You might have to let her get reprimanded. But, all the will continue doing your job the best you can (and let her mistakes get discovered on their own – don’t readily jump at the chance to point them out). Put a smile on your face. Be pleasant. Don’t talk about your past (getting counselling is a good idea). Cleanse your ‘aura’ and let it shine, and be the person that everyone would like to work with (tough sometimes I know).

    And if the team/company is still difficult to work with, look for another job. At least you can try to leave on good terms and with a good impression when the new job calls for a reference.

    1. Also, if your partner’s ‘mistakes’ are discovered by your boss & the higher ups, and they shrug them off as not a big deal, perhaps they are only ‘mistakes’ in your eyes.

      In this case, you may just have to relax and not worry about focussing on how others are doing their jobs. But still don’t correct them.

  8. I recommend the OP stop referring to co-wokers as “girls” (unless they are, in fact, working with children which adds an entirely new demension to the complaints.)

    1. Meh. I don’t agree. Typically I see someone say “girls” where they would substitute “guys” and this does not bother me at all. It’s rare that someone is using the term “girl” derisively, and since “gals” has fallen out of favor, “girl” has taken its place.

      It would be different if she had said “The man I use to work with has left, and now this girl has taken his place”.

      1. No, it would be equal if she’d said “The boy I used to work with has left, and now this girl has taken his place.”

      2. In a professional context, do not call adult women “girls.” Just don’t do it. It’s a shame we don’t have a good corollary to “guy,” but we don’t, and there are many, many women who will be offended by the term “girl” at the workplace.

  9. It also sounds like the OP didn’t see any middle ground–she believes co-worker doesn’t fit now and never will, and she wants either her or the co-worker moved, end of story, no training or coaching for either of them. And if I were a manager or HR I’d push back on that too. Two months isn’t a long time, and the co-worker isn’t being mean or inappropriate, just not being as good at her job as the OP would hope.

  10. Many others have commented that the HR person didn’t handle the situation effectively, I completely agree. The basic rules of giving constructive feedback are to state the facts. Using generalization like “everyone thinks your difficult” are disputable and difficult to prove. Whenever you base your argument on another person’s observations, you are already on shaky ground. HR’s comment “you need help” is straddling the line, IMHO and should have be dealt with more respectfully.

    That said, I feel there is a learning opportunity here for the LW. Feedback, even if poorly delivered, gives us a chance to see how others see us. It would be wise for the LW to validate with other colleagues and managers that this how she is being perceived. If others do feel she is difficult to work with, this problem will follow her wherever she goes. The sooner the LW is aware of the problem and addresses it, the better for her career.

    One last thing, why wouldn’t this complaint have gone to the LW boss first before HR? Even though the manager is also new, he/she has the right to know what’s happening in their department. Line managers are the first step in a complaint process, again IMHO.

  11. I am pretty even tempered, and I’ve worked with the OP. Or someone with a very similar personality. The thing is, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. If you can admit to yourself there might be some personality quirks in your makeup, and you hear a few carefully worded bits of feedback from HR/coworkers, then there’s definitely a problem. Gather as much information as you can, get counseling, do whatever you need to do to control this. Then prepare for a new job…you won’t go far where you are but if you fix this and really are the rockstar, then you will excel at the next place. Best of luck!

  12. Here’s an update.
    Thank you so much for the advice. I have taken it to heart and I wanted to thank all the comments and people that have offered support. I have spoken with the co-worker. We talked, cried a little, and hugged. We cleared the air. The office is a little more pleasant. She feels a lot more at ease. (If her smiling and humming and her shaking my chair enthusiastically to ask questions are signs to go by). In my heart, do I think she is a good fit? No. She tries, she really does, but she still makes the same mistakes over and over again and her memory is still a little spotty. But one of the comment that someone has left has struck me. Her mistakes are her mistakes. It’s something she has to learn to correct on her own (though it makes me twitchy not to correct the problem). The only thing I can do is offer her support if she needs or ask. Otherwise, I’ll just concentrate on what I have to. I have gotten some feedback from other co-workers and like you said, they didn’t have any negative to say, though my old-boss did encourage me to have a little more patience and pleaded with me to stay (the department is like her child.) I am looking into therapy, but I will say this. I went into HR because I felt like I professionally didn’t have the right help that I needed. I felt like the new co-worker wasn’t a good fit given what I observe in the weeks of training. It was never anything personal and I tried to keep it as professional as I could, but I felt as if the whole meeting somehow took a personal turn and that was not ‘professional’ to me. But as it was advise to me, help, even if it’s poorly given, is something to look at. I still cringe every time I see a mistake, but I smile and I let the manager handled it. As someone advise, she will sink or swim on her own. I should concentrate on myself. Thank you, Evil HR lady and all the commenters!!! I’m very thankful for all the kind support.

    1. Hey ! Great response. It shows a lot for you that you really took the advice and comments given to heart and have made an effort to look at this differently.

Comments are closed.

Are you looking for a new HR job? Or are you trying to hire a new HR person? Either way, hop on over to Evil HR Jobs, and you'll find what you're looking for.